i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
