im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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