I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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