On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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