I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i drank out of a bidet.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
