We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
