so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
