i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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