I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
