my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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