Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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