She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
