hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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