Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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