Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize