I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
