I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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