He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
