Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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