Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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