a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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