I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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