I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't deserve a penis
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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