last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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