I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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