Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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