the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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