I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Randomize
