Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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