the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
