I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
