Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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