i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize