new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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