I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
