I just cut my nipple shaving
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
