my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
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