Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
