U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
