i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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