I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
