She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
