Someone shit on the floor
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
