I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he thought i was a dude.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize