we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
