is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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