Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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