Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
