well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I didn't notice because vodka
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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