I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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