I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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