i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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