i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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