I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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