i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
