1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
