We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
