I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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