I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
