I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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