I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
