Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
